Riesling Consulting

Fierce Conversations: Introduction

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In my blog “The HumanE Workplace” I discuss six key characteristics of a humane workplace. One of the key characteristics is “open communication”. I state in my blog: “A workplace environment nurturing open communication leads to more transparency, trustworthiness, and […] a sense of belonging and being connected.” However, how do you do “open communication”?

Let’s talk about “Fierce Conversations” and how you can achieve success at work and in life one conversation at a time.

The Conversation is the Relationship

Susan Scott published a book in 2002 with the title “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, One Conversation at a Time”. (She later also published “Fierce Leadership” and “Fierce Love”). Susan Scott defines “fierce conversation” a conversation in which we come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real. When you think of fierce conversation, think of

  • Passion, integrity, authenticity
  • Cultural transformation
  • Leadership

In Fierce Conversations, the Conversation is the Relationship. Understand “fierce” as robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, unbridled. Do not understand a “fierce” conversation as raised voices, threatening, barbarous, menacing, cruel.

I prefer the following short summary (or objectives) of Fierce Conversations: Through Fierce Conversations you will successfully

  • Interrogate Reality
  • Provoke Learning
  • Tackle tough Challenges
  • Enrich Relationships

… and improve the quality of your life.

Seven Principles

Seven Principles guide (should) guide a fierce conversation:

  1. Master the courage to interrogate reality.
  2. Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real.
  3. Be here, prepared to be nowhere else.
  4. Tackle your toughest challenge today.
  5. Obey your instincts.
  6. Take responsibility for your emotional wake.
  7. Let silence do the heavy lifting.

Each of the seven principles would justify its own paragraph; however, let’s do that in a later blog. To give an example, let’s focus on one of the five fierce conversations that Susan Scott discusses in her book.

The Confrontation Model (Conversation)

In a confrontation conversation, you engage individuals and teams in conversations which successfully resolve attitudinal, performance or behavioral issues by naming and addressing tough challenges, provoking learning and enriching relationships. The Confrontation Model suggestions three parts in conversation:

  • A. Opening Statement
  • B. Interaction
  • C. Resolution

The Opening Statement sets the stage and you have sixty (60) seconds or less to

  1. Name the issue.
  2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change.
  3. Describe your emotions about this issue.
  4. Clarify what is at stake.
  5. Identify your contribution to this problem.
  6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue.
  7.  Invite your partner to respond.

I always practice my opening statement – write it down, read out loud, take the time and revise it until it feels right to me.

Part B. “Interaction” is where you inquire your conversation partner’s views. You stay quiet and listen. Again: focus on listening! Use paraphrasing to check what you hear and understand. Dig for full understanding and don’t be satisfied with the surface.  Make sure your partner knows that you fully understand and acknowledge his or her position and interest. Do not allow your partner to “deflect” from or trivialize the issue.

In part C. “Resolution” you and your conversation partner summarize the conversation and agree on next steps. Check what you both have learned, has anything been left unsaid, what is needed for a resolution, and how can you move forward given your new understanding. Make a new agreement and determine how you will hold each other responsible for keeping it.

Susan Scott provides a good example showing the confrontation model at work with what I call the “Sam & Jackie Case Study”. I use that case study as an activity in my Fierce Conversations workshop.

The other four types of conversations are team, feedback, coaching, and delegation conversations. Each of them qualify for its own blog.

Conclusion

The Confrontation Model has been very powerful in my (professional) life. It takes some practice to get comfortable with the “directness” of the conversation and to keep the “emotional” wake of the conversation in check. Even though most of these confrontational conversations were uncomfortable or emotionally taxing, all of them did enrich the relationship with my communication partners. And that by itself is a very powerful experience and worth the “inconvenience”.

See blog Fierce Conversations: Confrontation Model providing an example how to apply the confrontation model.

If you want to learn more about Fierce Conversations at the work place, contact Riesling Consulting and let’s discuss a potential workshop or training session with your team or groups in your organization.

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References