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Fierce Conversations: Confrontation Model

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Introduction

In an earlier blog, I introduced the concept of Fierce Conversations and wrote more or less a summary about Susan Scott’s book “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, One Conversation at a Time” that she published in 2002. The case study in this blog is also taken from Susan Scott’s book. 

This blog focuses on one element of the fierce conversations playbook – the confrontation conversation. I have been using the confrontation model since I read Susan Scott’s book. It’s easy to apply – with some preparation and practice – and it really keeps the often difficult conversation focused. Let’s start with a “case study” and call it: Sam & Jackie.

Case Study Sam & Jackie (Part 1)

Sam is a thoughtful leader and a truly good human being, and had successfully recruited Jackie, known in the software industry as a miracle worker with a reputation for never missing a deadline. Jackie had agreed to head up Sam’s software development team for the eight months Sam estimated it would take to move the latest version of their software from concept to reality. Sam and his competitors run neck and neck in their attempts to introduce the newest, slickest versions of their products to the marketplace, and Sam felt with Jacking heading up the team they would hit their target delivery date. Getting Jackie is a real coup. She had lots of options, including working with one of Sam’s competitors, but she chose Sam’s company. This was too good to be true.

About a week after Jackie came on board, John, a member of the software development team, felt things were a little tense. The day before, he had been in Jackie’s office asking her questions and she said, I don’t have time for private tutoring sessions. Work this out on your own time. John feels this seems to be typical of how Jackie deals with people. Of course, Sam thought surely, they would get through this after all they’re all adults, professionals in their fields. Perhaps this was just a bump in the road.

A week later the software team met and at one point, they were all stumped. Seems there was a glitch in the software and nobody knew how to resolve it. So, they were just sitting there, looking at a diagram Jackie had drawn on the flip chart, when suddenly Jackie ripped the page off the flip chart, crumpled it up and pitched it over her should and said: “I thought you guys were better than this. This team is not what I signed up for.” And she walked out the door leaving the team sitting there.

Sam still didn’t do anything. Sam hates conflict, so he pretended not to know, clinging to the fantasy that somehow this would all go away, and they’d play nice.

The final straw was eventually delivered by Peter (Sam’s first employee, his alter ego, and the single individual besides Sam who most influences the culture of the company). Peter went into Sam’s office, closed the door and said that something had happened that he needed to talk about…“Jackie”. Peter admitted that he gets calls from headhunters from time to time but never takes the calls or listens to their pitch. He stated that yesterday he got a call and this time he listened and scheduled a meeting with the recruiter. He then said that he ended up cancelling the meeting because he doesn’t want to leave but the thought of working with Jackie for another seven months is not a good one. She’s brilliant, no question. But she has some serious sharp edges and people are getting hurt. Sam stated: “I’ve got to talk to her today.”  (end of part 1)

The Confrontation Model (Conversation)

In a confrontation conversation, you engage individuals and teams in conversations which successfully resolve attitudinal, performance or behavioral issues by naming and addressing tough challenges, provoking learning and enriching relationships. The Confrontation Model suggestions three parts in conversation:

  • A. Opening Statement
  • B. Interaction
  • C. Resolution

The Opening Statement sets the stage and you have sixty (60) seconds or less to

  1. Name the issue.
  2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change.
  3. Describe your emotions about this issue.
  4. Clarify what is at stake.
  5. Identify your contribution to this problem.
  6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue.
  7.  Invite your partner to respond.

I always practice my opening statement – write it down, read out loud, take the time and revise it until it feels right to me.

Part B. “Interaction” is where you inquire your conversation partner’s views. You stay quiet and listen. Again: focus on listening! Use paraphrasing to check what you hear and understand. Dig for full understanding and don’t be satisfied with the surface.  Make sure your partner knows that you fully understand and acknowledge his or her position and interest. Do not allow your partner to “deflect” from or trivialize the issue.

In part C. “Resolution” you and your conversation partner summarize the conversation and agree on next steps. Check what you both have learned, has anything been left unsaid, what is needed for a resolution, and how can you move forward given your new understanding. Makea new agreement and determine how you will hold each other responsible for keeping it.

Let’s take a look at the example with Sam & Jackie again and see how Sam applied the confrontation model with Jackie.

Case Study Sam & Jackie (Part 2)

See the references to the seven elements of the opening statement of the confrontation model in bold.

Sam’s Opening Statement with Jackie

“Jackie, I want to talk with you about the effect your leadership style is having on the team [name the issue]. I learned that when John asked you questions you told him you didn’t have time for private tutoring sessions. I learned that during a meeting with the team you wadded up a page from the flip chart, threw it on the floor, said that this wasn’t the team you had signed up for, and left the room. I’m deeply concerned, and I am fearful of the possible consequences [select specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change].

There is a great deal at stake. A long-term employee has considered leaving the company rather than work with you. I am not prepared to lose good people who I hope will be here long after this project is completed, and you’ve gone on to your next assignment [describe your emotions about this issue].

Meeting our deadline is essential. Our reputation as a product leader is on the line, as well as our professional pride, pleasing our customers, and considerable financial gain. Perhaps there’s little or nothing at stake for you, Jackie. If it doesn’t work out and you leave us, you can undoubtedly get another job quickly, but for us the stakes are high. [clarify what is at stake].

My role in creating a growing rift between you and others is that I did not bring this to your attention earlier [identify your contribution to this issue].

This is what I want to resolve with you, Jackie, the effect your leadership style is having on the team [indicate your wish to resolve the issue]. I want to understand what is happening from your perspective. Please talk to me about what’s going on with you and the team [invite your partner to respond].

As soon as Sam extended the invitation to Jackie to offer her perspective, she responded: “If people were upset, it would have been nice if they had come to me.” Sam was prepared for such an attempt at deflection, and he replied, “We’re here to talk about the effect your leadership style is having on the team, Jackie. What’s going on from where you sit?”

Interaction

During the Interaction part of the confrontation, Sam gave himself the rule to make no declarative statements until he couldn’t stand it anymore and then for a while longer. Eventually two things happened. Jackie figured out that she was not going to be shot at dawn. She also saw that there was no place to hide. Whenever Jackie headed off into the bushes, Sam brought her back.

During their conversation, Jackie settled down and became thoughtful, less defensive. Sam learned there was indeed a glitch in the software that no one, including Jackie, had the experience to resolve. Jackie’s concern was palpable, and she had a reputation for never missing a deadline and now she had a critical problem that no one knew how to resolve. Naturally, she feared this project might tarnish her reputation.

Resolution

In moving toward Resolution, Sam acknowledged that he misdiagnosed the capabilities of the team and that they clearly did not have all the talent that they needed on this project. He asked Jackie if she knew of anyone who had the experience – and she did. Sam asked her to find out if he was available. Finally, Sam told Jackie that there must be some changes on her part and that if she was willing to make some alterations in her leadership style that he would help coach her.

The next morning Jackie came to Sam and told him that she’d made the call to the person she had mentioned and he’s available – then added that she’d like to stay – that this was an exciting project and the people on the team are good. She sensed this is where she needed to be, for a lot of reasons. Seven months later, right on schedule, Jackie and the team rolled out a product that blew the competition out of the water.

(end of part 2)

Conclusion

The Confrontation Model has been very powerful in my (professional) life. It takes some practice to get comfortable with the “directness” of the conversation and to keep the “emotional” wake of the conversation in check. Knowing how to apply the confrontation model helped me boost my confidence and credibility in the workplace. I know that I have the tooling in place to turn around stressful situations through meaningful and enriching conversations into some sort of resolution that greatly reduces the stress.

If you want to learn more about Fierce Conversations at the work place, contact Riesling Consulting and let’s discuss a potential workshop or training session with your team or groups in your organization.

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